Beyonce! You and I, we go back and forth. Well not so much. It’s more like you do something, I rant (or rave) about it, you never see it, your stans take out hits on me, wash….rinse….repeat. So I guess it is a bit one-sided. I’m not a hater, I love you, and want to help.

Today, I want to talk about your newest video of the Sasha Fierce flavor, yet since the heat is getting hotter and hotter, I have to take precautions. Yesterday I stumbled upon @Beyonce_stans on twitter and this is what I saw. Bey, I’s scared. As if Beyonceitis.com and the Black Gay Male Illuminati (B.G.M.I) weren’t enough, now there’s THIS!?

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Now Mrs. Carter, I know that there is no way in your good ole Christian heart that is the size of Texas that you would support such outright buffoonery and e-thuggery of such prodigious proportions! To be fair, I will share what my dear friend Apuje tweeted that warranted such an assault on his visage (and if I do say so myself, he’s quite handsome, so the tirade was without warrant).

Now this brings me back to my original point. The Video. Apuje is kinda right Bey. Let’s show the video shall we?

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YouTube Direkt

Ok, let’s go through this in a way that perhaps won’t get me sliced up before I can go home and do my Single Ladies repentance dances in the mirror tonight.

My thoughts as I watched the video:

Okay… okay…. got some color. I like this. Blue is always nice. Calming.

I like this new location. Outside. Very nice Giselle. Change it up a bit.

Whoa! Bey… really.. with the boobs? I feel like they are threatening me! Bout to come out and jab me! Did you audition for Drakes Breast I Ever Had video? No? You would have been a lock.

I see we’re revisiting the jerky dances moves. I’m telling you, I should do the choreography for these videos. This song is to sexy for all this jerking around.

Oh, hello. I see the “Evil Twins” are back. Can’t do a Sasha Fierce video without them I see.

But I’m feeling the moves now. We’re flowing, it’s hot it’s sexy. Bey is really givin’ it to us.

Oh! Here we go. Beyonce,  I am going to start a Non-Profit Org to fund a campaign to force Label Execs, Tina, and yo daddy to stop making you wear corsets! Hunny, yo’ body is AMAZING! Tell them to stop trying to squeeze and starve you! You did that commercial for Hamburger Helper and I just know in the back of your mind you were thinking “I really wish they wouldn’t make me squat like this. I haven’t had Hamburger Helper since I was 6. I wish they would just let me smell some. I won’t eat it, I promise. Maybe they’ll let me lick the inside of the sauce packet. Oh well, one grape a day isn’t all *that* bad.”

Oh my Beyonce! Are you freestyling!? Who told you to do these dance moves! This doesn’t fit!

At 1:28 into the video you break out into some Pompano Boys style Ridin’ Out and it just caught me the hell off guard!

What on EARTH are you doing?! Now I’m angry.

This silver  cutup getup you have on is pretty. Very pretty. But it makes the boobs look threatening again. I am fearful.

Your “non-verbal” cues on certain words confuse me. Earlier you said “your my perfect lullabye” and you waved *bye*….. then you say “you’re my temporary high” and you wave *hi*. It’s cute but the ASL says it’s a #fail.

The imagery is getting much better, and I’m enjoying this. Mirrors, crashing mirrors. Explosive. Love it.

What the HOLY HAMHOCKS AND CORNBREAD!! Are those Fingerwaves!?

Yes… They are. This is wrong Bey. Because of this, my friend was viciously attacked on Twitter. His life will never be the same. No one will. How did they do this? Is this a Fingerwaved Lacefront? A Finger-infusion if you will?

I just… I can’t. Beyonce, we keep trying with you. I told you that I loved the Sasha Fierce side and I told you I would never dare workout to anything else. I even deleted Britney Spears’ Womanizer off my iPod for fear of the B.G.M.I. and what they would do to me if they over-heard it while waiting in line for the booty lift machine. I watched the “Making of the Sasha Fierce Video” over and over again, gleefully awaiting this video. I don’t understand why you are a Robot. What in the Heavenly-Janelle-Monae are you doing? Is Sasha Fierce a Deceptecon? Transformers & Beyonce Stans alike… please advise?

That is all. I’m too afraid to proceed. Just know Beyonce, I see that you have people.. I got people too. Don’t think you can creep up on me. *gets my gris gris out just in case*

Thanks to you I’m sure I’ll never sleep again. Sweet Dreams my A**.

What are y’alls thoughts?

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